just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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