he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
