I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
