You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
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