I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
