I'm jealous of your bromance
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
