Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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