Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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