My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
