Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
