The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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