My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
