That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
