I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
