Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
