Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
