took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
