if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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