I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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