LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
