my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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