But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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