I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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