what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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