Your mouth is God's brothel.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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