Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
