She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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