I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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