I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Let's get the cat blown out
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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