you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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