we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
