I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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