I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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