I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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