I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
