I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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