You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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