he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
