How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
