i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I stole a fireplace last night.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
