Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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