I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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