Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
