Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
