She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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