Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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