stop calling my apartment porn island.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
