blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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