I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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