Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
