He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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